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Aug 20, 2014

I lost this lady I loved and .... yeah...it hurts #relationships

Posted by Wendy Ewurum  |  at  1:38 PM

I have been lucky in that I have not suffered much loss by the way people in my life passing on. And those who did pass on I was either not close to them or I was too young to fully appreciate the impact.
But recently I was told that my nanny had died as a result of illness and I did not even know. 


She had decided to go back home to be closer to her boyfriend and her kids and I had done everything I could to cajole her to come back, but the desire to be closer to her partner (in a different state/province), was stronger.
I asked about her now and again and I knew she was struggling financially and emotionally because of the man’s hold, but there was nothing I could do about it.
When I recently asked my cousin about her (my cousin was married into the family and keeps up), she told me  quite dispassionately that she died long ago.
I don’t think I have ever felt that sensation of being kicked in the gut, but I swear I felt it then. She didn’t mean much to her family, but she meant a great deal to me….

At a time in my life when I couldn't, this lady took care of my household and raised my kids with love and care only second to mine. When she left, we were all bereft, she had become more than the nanny in that two years, she was really a member of our family. 

I remember the day my kids and I planned a birthday party for her, cake and presents (nothing grand mind you). She cried throughout the entire event. When I asked her why, she said in all her 46  years no one had ever wished  her happy birthday, never mind plan a celebration. My heart broke and I cried too.

It has been 2 weeks since I heard the news of her death and there is not a day that has passed since then that I have not thought about her.

I didn’t understand why her death affected me so much until I told a friend about how hurt I feel about it, especially by the way anyone people who speak about her seem to not have given a toss. She explained to me that others don’t know her like I did. To them, she is someone from whom nothing was ever expected, the lowest in the family who was the pleb for the undesirable jobs.
 It didn’t make me feel better, but it gave me perspective. 

I still feel that I wish I could have had one more conversation with her, tried harder to get her to come back, convinced her to bring her last born with her. I wish I could have been and done more.
This experience showed me just how precious the people in our lives are and how quickly they can be snuffed out of it.
Having someone close to you die reminds you of your own mortality and gets you to ask the deeper questions:

  • Am  living the way my life deserves to be lived because truly I is not a rehearsal.
  • I asked myself where is she now, where will my own soul be going?
  • What will become of my kids?
  • Am I taking care of myself to make it last as long as God would like?
  • And I pray more that He would keep me to seem my children being independent, well adjusted adults, and if I get to see my grandchildren my heart will burst.
It also caused me to reflect on the  importance of talking things out. The fact that I could not find anyone who cared enough to talk about this loss had me not only feeling hurt but angry and frustrated. At whom I don’t know, but I suspect I was blaming the people she lived with for not taking care of her, for not loving her enough. 
Rather narcissistic of me, but I felt that.

When my friend spoke to me about her, I accepted that what I was feeling was an irrational sense of responsibility and inadequacy. As much as I feel that life dealt her a tough blow throughout her life, I did do all I could outside of sending kidnappers to her.

I hope that after this life she is in a good place. That she was finally able to find the peace and happiness that alluded her from birth in this life. That she knows she was loved.
More than anything I pray that she is in a place that is deserving of her humble and beautiful heart and spirit.

RIP Maggie Mzamela

About the Author

Most know me as the author to Fabulosity Reads and in actual fact, that is the previous name of this blog. I have since then moved my books to a Wordpress self-hosted blog so that I can have a place to show a different side of me which I am equally passionate about and that is marketing and personal development. I hope you will love being here, watching me grow as I share and learn. My highest hope is that we will grown and learn together in all disciplines affecting our lives. I'd LUUURRRVE to hear from you, so don't be shy...

4 comments:

  1. I know what you mean. I've lost people close to me, and there's a sense of emptiness in the space they left behind. That sadness never fully dissipates. At the same time, it gives me hope and a reason to live exceptionally well so I can be reunited with them after this life--when all tears are wiped away. =)

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    Replies
    1. I think you are right Crystal. I think I keep expecting to feel better about her death and everyday I feel the exact same day as yesterday. So maybe as you say it is in accepting that this has happened and learn to live with that empty space.
      Thank you so much for dropping in and your kind words. You are wonderful.

      Delete
  2. Thanks for sharing that. It can be heartbreaking to lose someone like that. I'm glad that you cared and that she knew it. It's good that you asked yourself those questions about how you are living. I hope she is at peace.

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  3. Feeling sad for you===>> Words can't explain pain but Special people are always remain in Heart Beats..

    ReplyDelete

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